Have you ever hurt so badly that you couldn't move or breathe? That it took all you had to remain standing? That's how I feel lately, and I have to keep up pretenses that I'm okay, that I'm wonderful, actually. But I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm awful, I hurt. I want to crawl away and stay somewhere for the rest of my life, cause I know the pain will never go away. I feel like a fool and an idiot for letting him use me, and for giving a shit about him in the first place. And the funny thing is that I spend most of my time now missing him and wishing I had him back. But he'll just hurt me again. Love isn't worth it, truly it's not. It's not worth it to let someone in finally, just to have them tear you apart slowly. I hate that I let him in and he cut me to pieces, just like Adam. You don't give someone the words, especially "I Love You." and not mean it, you don't turn around and make out with another chick. Low down asshole thing to do, that.

Trying to move on and meet new people, get involved with things, and all I can think is "does he miss me?" or "Does he ever think about me?" It's pathetic. He shouldn't matter this much, he's just a stupid boy. But he does. Everyone is telling me to pick up and move on, and trust me, I'm trying, and it's really not easy. I cry everyday. It took me so long to cry about it. It happened and I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach when I saw it. Then I felt numb for hours, and then the cold. I was so cold, right to my bones. I couldn't get warm, I shook for hours. I went into shock. Then I got angry. Violently angry. It's not her fault, she didn't know, it's his. When I finally cried about it, it didn't last very long. And then it did. I broke. Something inside of me did, anyway, and I cried. And cried. I felt like I'd never stop. And then I did, and I don't know how. It still makes me sick to think about it, but I don't cry about it anymore. I cry because I miss him, and it's stupid. It's ridiculous, but I do. I cry because I lost the one solid, shining light in my life and now I have to look for a new focus, a more solid, lasting one.

That's all for now, it's enough. But I still hurt, and I know I will for a long time. It's a general consensus that boys suck, but now everyone I know believes that it's true. No boy is worth your tears, but that doesn't mean you won't shed them. Pain strikes everyone over something, no one can guard themselves completely, the more you try, the more it hurts when something gets in and tears you apart, tears you down. Someday I'll grow into this pain, and it will deaden to a dull ache, but not today, and not tomorrow. Just someday. And I'll be stronger for it. Isolated, yes, but stronger.